I would first just like to say that I
haven't cried very much in the last few months. But the dam broke
yesterday and there was a flood. I don't know what got into me, but I am
going to try to explain so that you can get a little taste of what
missionary work is like.
We have a goal as a
mission to baptize every week. Something I haven't been able to
accomplish so far in my mission but something that I really want to do.
In order to be able to baptize every week, we should be finding at least
2 new people to teach every day. This week, it felt like everyone was
rejecting us. I would get home every night so tired because all of our
appointments would fall through and so we would be walking around
contacting (not my favorite thing to do) people on the streets. It felt
like NO ONE wanted to talk to us. I love the excuses 'well, sometimes I
leave my house so I wouldn't know when you could come' Oh sometimes? But
not always...so when can we come by? or 'I'm NEVER home' but they are
sitting outside of their house everytime we pass by. That night my
district leader decided to share a scripture with me and remind me that
the Lord is content with what we are doing but He isn't satisfied with
it. We need to be doing more. I started to cry (silently, of course) and
thought, 'what can I do more?' There is always more, I know, but after a
long day of contacting and rejection, you just want to sleep.
Sunday
is probably the most stressful day for a missionary. You are stressed
because you don't know if your investigators are going to show up and
you are stressed when they show up because you aren't sure if they will
feel comfortable, if someone will say something wrong, etc. In the
morning, we passed by for some of our investigators that told us they
would come to church with us. The first one we passed by for sent her
niece out to tell us that she went to the hospital because she was sick.
The funny thing was that I could see through the crack in the door and
our investigator walked passed her open window. So I was feeling really
good going to the next investigator, especially after we knocked 10
times and nobody was home. We passed by for one more, Alberto, who has
come to church 3 times but is always late and misses the sacrament. We
wanted to make sure he would get there on time but he was like...I think
I will get there at 1. No Hermano, church starts at 12! We've explained
before the importance of the sacrament but I guess he still doesn't
understand.
So empty handed, we headed to the
church (by the way, it's not easy to pass by for these people...it's far
from the church and we have to take 2 buses to get there). Then, Satan
started moving in and my head was swimming with doubts. It's not
possible to baptize every week! Why is this so hard? Is this even worth
it? It must be my fault! I am not doing enough? Or maybe I care too
much! Is the Lord really preparing people to accept the gospel?
The
sacrament meeting started and we had zero people in the chapel. During
the sacrament song I lost it and started crying. And once I start it is
hard to stop. I had all these conflicting feelings...all of these doubts
but then this CERTAINTY that the sacred ordinance that I was partaking
of was real. That Christ is my Savior and that this is His church! So
of course I cried more. And it wasn't the silent tears that stream
gracefully down your cheeks...it was the trying not to make heaving
noises, sobbing, blochy red neck, type of cry. Luckily I had my hanky
with me (THANKS MOM). Then it was testimony meeting and the testimonies
in this ward are always so good, so suffice it to say, I was a mess.
Half
way through the meeting, we looked back and saw Alberto sitting there.
He came. Late, but he came. We also had another investigator show up
during the second hour.
I don't tell you this
to make you sad for me, because this is just how it is. But I think I
cried so much because these people don't get it. They don't understand
that this gospel WILL change their lives, but ONLY if they put forth
their part. I feel like I am doing my part, but there has to be more
that I can do. I don't know everything and I have doubts at times, but I
have a testimony that this is the only true church on the face of the
earth. That is why I left my family, job, car, comfortable bed,
functioning shower with warm water, alone time, friends, etc., to come
here. Because I want to help people feel the hope that only the gospel
of Jesus Christ brings.
Now, this week wasn't
all rejection, sad, gloom and doom. We always have little miracles that
happen and we have some great people we are teaching. The members are
really good to us and try to help us as best they can. We found several
people to teach this week, but it is impossible for them to progress
without going to church. But I will tell you, hearing the conversion
stories of the members who are faithful always give me hope and push me
to keep going. I am grateful to be here and I am learning SO much. This
was probably the best decision I made in my life so far. I will never
regret coming on the mission.
Also, in one
week, we will celebrate Independence Day here in Mexico. I am excited
because it is a p-day so maybe we will get to hear the cry ¡¡¡¡¡¡¡¡VIVA
MEXICO!!!! in the zocalo! Well shall see.
I
love you all. I am grateful for another week here. Also, less than a
month until conference! Don't worry, I made a countdown. We are kind of
excited.
Love you!!!
Hermana Durham
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